Take THAT Paranoid Saudi/UAE/India

(ad placed by the government of Bahrain in the August 19th Economist)

Corporate Newspeak 7

Talk Around: (v) 1. Share opinions on tangents related to a topic on which decisions are pending without any expectation that any decisions will be taken, thus taking all pressure off the decision-making leadership at the table. 2. Tongue-in-cheek play on the literal interpretation of the term "talk about."
Also: Waste Time, Chat, Think On, Building a Base, Laying Groundwork
Usage: "Can we make a decision here today, boss?" / "Well, Johnny, of course - we do need to move on this, which is why I think we need to talk around the nuances of the constraints and dependencies to make sure we've covered off all that first."

Draw a Line Around: (v) Avoid talking further about once and for all. Usually used by someone who has argued their side of an issue unsuccessfully.
Also: Ring-fence
Usage: "But, but ... okay folks, clearly we need to think on that niche issue a bit more. I don't want it to keep us from moving forward on the overall strategic vision. Let's draw a line around that and continue the larger discussion."

Friction-Free: (adj) Of a mythical business process which produces economic value without any ongoing cost, often expected to move at the speed of light. Used only in the context of corporate sloganeering or in the context of empty sales promises.
Usage: "Don't worry about what it costs to implement, Donnie. By leveraging technology and enterprise synergies, this friction-free solution pays for itself."

Enterprise: (adj) Of a mythical type of business process which is entirely uniform across all groups, departments, lines of business, divisions, or other factions of a corporation, run under the direction of a single group, yet paid for by all groups. Used when one group starts to implement a new business process, and then realizes they don't have enough money to pay for it.

What Will Tomorrow Bring: Moving Magazines

Right out of the pages of Popular Science: Entertainment Weekly will pilot embedded video screens in some of its magazines next month.

Sadly, its only for ads not articles right now, but hey - somebody's gotta pay for it ... might as well be those evil corporate world dominators over at Pepsi. Too bad we haven't nationalized the magazine industry yet ... I'm sure Barney Frank coulda seen to it that such essential live-giving technology would be used for more worthy causes like subliminally convincing inner-city youth to save less and consume more ... in the name of national progress, of course.

Oops ... did I go politico again? Damnit, I keep doing that.

Photo Credit: Caroline McCarthy/CNET

Corporate Newspeak 6: 1984 Edition

Perhaps the clearest and most awful example of corporate culture dumbing down communication (hence the term Newspeak) is this set:

The What: (n) The topic or scope of discussion.

The When: (n) The date range or schedule.

The How: (n) The method.

Usage: "Ok, so we're talking about the potential re-assessment of our medium-term FY11 strategy around the proposed strategy for our 300's. Buying planes... that's the what. 2011, high level, is the when. Let's move on to the how, okay? That's where I'm still murky and I wanna make sure we reach out to the right groups to leverage our enterprise-level past learnings around procurement terms."

I find it painfully sad that most corporate animals operate with so little mental exertion in an arena so unnecessarily complex that they find it necessary to use explicitly call everyone's attention to the fact that a date range is "the when" things happen.

Are the REAL English terms so difficult?

Yeah, What HE Said: Dave Matthews Edition

When you don't talk, the big things become little things and the little things become big things.
- Dave Matthews on Charlie Rose 6/11/09

Corporate Newspeak 5

Kangaroo Manager: (n) A manager or executive who improves their job title, reputation, and compensation by hopping from company to company every 1 to 2 years. Through this pattern of activity, individuals avoid remaining in any position long enough to be held accountable for the results of their decisions and thus entirely obfuscate their track record. This is in contrast to the frequently maligned "traditional manager" strategy of improving title, reputation, and compensation via a consistent stream of successful accomplishments and recognitions.
Also: Up-and-Comer, Executive Material, Chosen One, Fast Tracker.

Critical: (adj) Belonging to the class of things which encompasses everything in the known universe.

Gaps: (n) Fuck-ups.
Also: Pain Points, Failures.
Note: the singular form exists only hypothetically.

Deferred: (adj) Belonging to the class of actions and events which will never happen. Not in a billion years.
Usage: "Phase 1 of the project has been deferred so resources can focus on the pain points of Phase 3 while planning activities for Phases 2 and 5 continue."

Legacy: (adj) A euphemism for the class of people, processes, technologies, and decisions which existed prior to a merger, for which nobody (even those originally involved and still present) currently takes responsibility, and on which any current pain points can be blamed. Contrast with "Kangaroo Managers."
Also: Heritage.

Efficiencies: (n) The class of actions and decisions which is characterized by either self-evidence or abolishment of business controls, people, and/or processes put in place previously to address a pain point which occurred prior to the tenure of the current decision-maker(s). Typically used to justify destructive or risky decisions made by Kangaroo or Pelican Managers.
Also: Short Cuts.
Note: the singular form exists only hypothetically.

Metrics: (n) A mystery-meat confab of general goals, explicit targets, a methodology for computing performance relative to those goals and targets, the act of computing, and the current result of those computations for a given individual or group. Contrast with "carrots."
Note: in typical usage, the speaker is referring to only a subset of the above concepts, but desires to remain ambiguous about which.

Good Progress: (n) A euphemism for activities which are behind schedule or below desired metrics. Used in order to distract from said deficiency.

Aligned to: (adj) Perceived to be at least partially in compliance with a strategy and/or policy which is too vague, contradictory, or nonsensical to be followed literally.

Day-to-Day: (n) Metonymy (look it up, people) representing the class of actions and events necessary to actually run a business but which are too boring, unpleasant, and/or complicated for executives to trifle with or comprehend.
Also: in the weeds, on the ground, in the trenches

Operations: (noun) Doers. Usually abbreviated "ops." Often carries a negative connotaion of someone who is too obsessed with making a business function to comprehend strategy, policy, and "the big picture."
Also: little people
Usage: "The execs have established the strategy and laid out governance. Finance is tracking the metrics. And the little people in Ops are in the trenches handling the day-to-day."

Established: (v) Decided by default without any human effort by those responsible for the decision, often by the most junior staff involved due to a vacuum of action by the designated leadership.
Usage: "The Board have established a framework of critical metrics and governance which will prevent such a crisis in the future."
Note: can only be used in the past-participle tense (look it up, people).

So What I'm Hearing You Say...: (ic) You're clearly wrong and I wish you had said ...

Having Vision but Flying Blind

They're misunderstood, if not neglected entirely. They're maligned. They're abused. They each need to be adopted ... by all of us.

I won't be so bold as to say whether Obama or I first sweetened to this set of keys. Clearly, however, we've all been burned by their absence. At least the new administration is trying them out. And I don't mean vision, itself.

You see, having vision is a great thing. Quite rare is the fortitude to choose the right path in spite of the fear mongers, detractors, and wailing interest groups. More rare, however ... in fact, nearly extinct these days ... is successful execution. My recent blog bemoaned and pondered the failings of the US over the past few years. To me, these were seldom from lack of vision, skill, or will. The ideas were sound. The people were smart. But despite having vision coming out of all orifices, they were flying completely blind. Calamity came from complete failures of execution.

Utter failures of execution. On many levels.

It is thus nice to begin to see ghosted hints and hear soft whispering breezes indicating that some people in corporate and political America "get it." It's early days, and this blog will have many follow-ups, but let me describe what's on my radar so far:

A focus on communication.

• Conveying the right message. One side effect of our current info overload is that people have become amazingly good at hearing. People hear more than just the words spoken and can quickly identify the message being conveyed. Too often, Bush administration representatives were speaking about one thing (terrorists in Guantanimo, for example) but projecting a message about something entirely else (caginess from a deep mistrust of the current justice system or the public stomach). It is critical that speakers determine, memorize, and deeply understand the message they're trying to convey. This doesn't mean memorizing a speech and presenting it deer-in-headlights style. It means knowing the message well enough to convey it while sounding like a real person. This builds trust. So does consistency. For an administration, the SAME message needs to be broadcast via multiple channels. It needs to be immutable in its repetition. And the message needs to be right. It needs to be strategic. In the corporate world, for example, the message should convey a specific brand identity and aspiration.
  
• Closely related is Selling the value proposition. Yes, this is Corporate Newspeak. Said in plain English, this means that communicators need to really understand the relative benefits of what they're advocating. This needs to be incorporated into their message every time they communicate. To say it even more simply: sell, sell, sell.
  
• Communication isn't a one-way street. Listening actively to feedback is not optional. It is a diferentiator between failure and success. Actively means listening to and understanding everything they say, literally and in terms of message. It means checking your understanding "So your main goal is X because Y?" It means accepting things that don't sync with your view or message. Once understood and accepted, communicators must be willing to do the unthinkable: incorporate their message into their own, either by responding or by absorbing.
  
• Taking another step back, though, communicators need to make damn sure they've got the right vision as well as message. They can blunder through it; they can be lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time; OR they can do it the right way by investing in information. They must collect, standardize, and analyze data. They must ensure their people AND their audience are properly educated on the issues. They must be brave enough to risk some time and money in skunkworks which may yield nothing, may yield something that doesn't fit with their current vision.

A focus on accountability.

• You cannot have accountability unless you know what your goals are
  
• Then you must identify what the measurements of success should be
  
• Then you must measure what the current state is. Now. With all it's warts.
  
• Finally you need to build the right incentive programs. You need to test your carrots and sticks for perverse incentives.

Fashion in North America

Between work and play, I've spent an inordinate amount of time on the road lately.

In my business, you're in front of new people every day. The way you connect (or don't) in the very first few augenblicks pretty much locks in your relationship, and consequently how much trust and attention they allow you ... and consequently how successful you are in the long run. To say it bluntly, if they think you're "cool," they want more of you. Sadly, it's just as grade-shool playground as that.

Sitting in a sardine can hurdling through space this week, I got to thinking about what's cool or fashionable in the places I've been lately ... stewed down to a single word:

Montreal :fashionably preened
Toronto: fashionably concerned
SF: fashionably superior
Seattle: fashionably ambiguous
DC: fashionably frumpy
LA: fashionably connected
Vail: fashionably chill
NY: fashionably rushed

Just stereotypes of the images people project, of course. In reality, everyone just wants to get laid.

Follow Up: Yo Burma ... I mean China ... Err Russia ...

An artcle in the NY Times yesterday called attention to yet more evidence of Putin's paranoia/control psychosis. In fact, they have a whole series dedicated to it. Robert Amsterdam's blog is another good source. At the risk of having his occipital-lobe-less goons poison me in London ... I think it's safe to say Sun Tzu would call him STUPID.



Dr. Evil and Mini-me would be proud of the cast of clinically (crimnally?) insane characters who have weaseled their way into positions of worldly power in a sad attempt to assuage their freakishly large inferiority complexes. I'd list 'em out for you, but I have a better idea... and, no, I'm not being paid for this celebrity endorsement.


If Survivor is not sensational enough for you, I highly recommend tuning into the reality competition blog Evil Leaders League which pits these nuts against each other weekly in head-to-head cage fight style tests of evilness. The genius of the blog is in the judges' color commentary (I like "An opposition boycott to an election is the evil leader's version of an orgasm" and "Tehran-i-saurus Rex"). Weekly winners get points, which are tallied throughout the season. Competition gets hot-and-heavy in the playoffs and then there is the scintillating final cage fight death match.

We're currently in the off-season, which is the perfect time to catch up ADHD-style on seasons 1 through 3. They have a Highlights page ... but their most priceless work is in their photo galleries (check out "sexy Putin").

Corporate Newspeak 3

A Long Road: (n) A lengthy sequence of bad decisions and mistakes (usu. by the speaker) which could likely have been avoided with some forethought.

Gave It His/Her/Their All: (v) Tried to fix one's own mistakes and failed

Worked Hard: (v) Finally took the time to fix one's own mistakes

Put in Long Hours: (v) See Worked Hard

Ran 24/7: (v) See Worked Hard

Gave 110%: (v) See Worked Hard

We: (n) You (when referring to blame or work to be done)
Usage: "We should investigate who to blame on this one."

Also: I (when referring to opinions or mistakes)
Usage: "So, we're saying that we didn't fully think this through."

Also: Everyone but me (when referring to hard work)
Usage: "Oh boy, we put in long hours and worked weekends to deliver!"

Went Above and Beyond: (v) Took the time to fix someone else's mistakes
Usage: "It was a long road, but we did it. We gave it our all; Suzie and Terence gave 110% over the weekend; Thanks to Gerald for going above and beyond to bring us in on time."

Corporate Newspeak 2

Take-away: (n) A marginally insightful observation which will only have relevance at some unknown future date, often used as a passive-aggressive method of delivering criticism. The verbal equivalent of that chinese food that's been in the back of your fridge for a month. Also: Lessons Learned.
Usage: "Hmm ... so you called our client a monkey in clowns clothing and he fired us ... hmm ... well, the takeaway is don't do that. I'll shoot out a lessons learned e."

Vet: (v) Review somebody else's work so they'll take responsibility for it. The lazy man's critical thinking
Usage: "Hey, I just shot you an E with a draft of some asks. Can you and John vet it before we send it out?"

Gap: (v) Figure out what's fucked up and who to blame, often used with "versus"
Usage: "Hey! Where's my diet Snapple? Jeannie, did you order my diet Snapple? Timmy, it looks like we need to gap our order versus what the caterer sent."

Administrivia: (n) Repetitive often menial bookkeeping work necessary for a large buraucratic organization to function, but outside of what you perceive to be your 'real job'
Usage: "I spent half my day buried in administrivia, so I didn't have time to make us any money."

Outsource: (v) Get someone else to do the work your laziess and ego won't permit you to do
Usage: "I'm going to outsource this administrivia to Mike so I can spend more time brainstorming."

Circle Back: (v) Discuss again as though the topic is new; often used to diplomatically end a discussion where the participants are not infomed, empowered, or cognitive enough to make a decision and everyone's attention span has been exhausted.
Usage: "Listen, you go have a cigarette with Sammy, and I'll read my emails and we'll circle back on this after lunch."

Think On: (v) Ponder; often used as an exuse for not being able to answer a question or to deliver work on time.
Usage: "That's a tough call. I'm going to have to think on it tonight. Let's circle back in the A.M."

Brainstorm: (v) Get in a room with other people and a list of issues with no solution. Then hope that solutions accidentally fall out of someone's mouth while they're arguing about the minutae of how to define the issues.
Usage: "Yes, sir, I know I'm a week late solving that problem. I asked Bob and Harry to think on it so we can brainstorm tomorrow."

Corporate Newspeak

I feel it necessary to do my little part to bust the current ridiculous TV writers' strike.

Here, from the front lines of corporate America's battlefields, are some phrase-isms which are too bizarre to be made up. Unfortunately, they call to mind Orwell's Newspeak and clearly achieve the same goal of dumbing down the populace.

Cover off on: (v) To get someone (else) to resolve or get someone to respond to
Usage: "It's great that you've been able to cover off on that issue so quickly."

Ask: (n) a question
Usage: "Good feedback on your ask when you covered off on it."

E: (n) an e-mail
Usage: "Please shoot me an E with your ask."

Shoot: (v) to send or submit. Also: get
Usage: "As soon as you get me your E, I'll shoot it back."

Learning (n) lesson
Usage: "In summary, here are the learnings from this week's sessions."

Out of Pocket (n) incommunicato
Usage: "I'm flying to New York in the morning, so I'll be out of pocket most of the day."

Dilbert (n) a conformist employee of a corporation
Usage: "Stay tuned, ye writer-less producers. I'll continue to report back with new jewels on this blog whenever my fellow Dilberts drop these non-speak jewels"

Quotes: Pseudo-Battles

"If people could only agree to skip the real battles and move straight on to the reenactments, all our troubles as a species would be over. Just imagine: Hamas and Fatah meeting annually in Gaza to fire blanks at each other. Sunni and Shiite Iraqis gathering in Baghdad to blow up pedal cars."

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-ferguson25jun25,0,4734855.column

Communication

Here are two communication tips I constantly give myself:

1/ The first response to "what should we do?" should usually be "What's YOUR opinion?"
2/ To improve communication, use your listener's exact terminology and phraseology in your response.